my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
