I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
