We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
