My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
This can only be settled by a dance off.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
