I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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