Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I've blown a few things in my day
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Randomize
