walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
