OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
