I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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