Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
