dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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