OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
