I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
