dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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