If that was your dad, he is hot
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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