Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
