She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
