The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
