who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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