Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
