its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
