I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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