i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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