i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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