i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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