i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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