Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
