i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
