I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I have aggressive nipples.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
