I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
