Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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