Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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