you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
FUCK WHALES
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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