Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
