loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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