Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
