sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize
