i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
