before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
