I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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