Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
