I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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