You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
