Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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