dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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