if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
