i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
