I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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