Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
