My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
