It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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