i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
