Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
