guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
