Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
