I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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