rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
