Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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