I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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